Keeping It Juicy In A Long-Term Conscious Relationship
Here’s the brass tacks on what has kept it juicy with my partner, Omra and I over the last 14 years. If you’re looking for cute fluff, scroll on. It takes hard work, dedication and a whole lot of inner exploration to get it right. This guide isn’t all about chocolate and roses- although sweet n’ sexy gifts do have their place!
In the end it’s all about doing the inner work and the growth that comes through it. One thing’s for sure, it’s gonna get nasty- in the most challenging sense. But, at least for us, the ends have justified the means and it just keeps getting juicier all the time. Hopefully some of these tips help you with your love relation.
Try listening hard, rather than hardly listening- which is the standard norm in a young relationship. We have our set ways of doing things and the ingrained behavior, complete with our blind spots. The problem is that we aren’t aware of that which we don’t see. Times two people and it’s like the blind leading the blind. The relationship is almost doomed for failure.
It takes focused intention to actually listen to what the other is saying, to take that in and reflect. And even consider some of it might be true. Recognizing that if something is being reflected to me in my intimate reality. By Being open that there may be some shred of truth in it for me only added to increased self-awareness. Getting to all that juicyness can be challenging. It takes being a gold digger, a shadow stalker, hunting for the parts of yourself which have gone unconscious to find the gold.
But there are clues, left by the scars which created the unconscious schism in the first place. You’ll know when you’re triggered. When your partner says that which floors you, incapacitates you, boils your blood and makes you snap back in defensive hysterics… Now that’s a good lead to follow. Tug on the thread, and see where it leads. See “when” it leads to…
Turn the projection inward and really check in with yourself. If we ask our Higher Self what potential trauma in our childhood could have led to a blockage keeping us from experiencing deep and juicy fulfilling love, we’ll get answers! This can be as long or short of a process that you allow. Just trust that the answers will eventually come. For me it took breaking my leg to have my body speak loudly enough for me to listen hard enough to get crucial answers that led to more juicyness.
Communication vs. Projection
Become aware of how we fuel the fire in our communications. By avoiding the word, “You,” we can lessen the polarity and enjoy more of that juicy union with our beloved. The moment we go into offense by saying, “You did this, you did that,” it only sets the stage for defensive inflammatory remarks.
Remember, when we point our finger by projecting there are three other pointing back at us. It’s not about them anyway. By keeping the conversation grounded in expressing our own feelings, what we are saying garners a much better reception.
“I feel this, I feel that.” With enough self-reflection we can go to the root of our wound, keep those feelings open and stay awake and aware of what is driving our communication and inevitable arguments.
For example, when I broke my leg while skiing with my dad and sisters at Tahoe, I had much time for inner reflection. On the mountain that day I was separated from my family. I followed my dad’s program of, “There’s no friends on a powder day” when we had already split from my sisters I then completely “left” them to go ski a run and get some freshies.
As I dropped down into the powder I could feel the twisted gnarly tree clip my fibula. “I’m okay” I said as I skied on one leg down and even hobbled around and made dinner that night – only to learn the next day my leg was indeed broken.
“It was just a freak accident,”I kept telling myself. “There are no accidents,” I knew deep down- and I was not okay. Looking at my right (masculine) leg, the break was along the “Father” meridian in Chinese medicine. All the signs were there I just had to allow the truth to be recognized. Eventually I was able to identify the time in my childhood when I felt abandoned.
My parents had gotten divorced when I was three years old and the next year he “left” my reality to go get an experimental cancer treatment in the Bahamas. My little boy felt abandoned by his papa. Where did he go? Why isn’t he here? It took me awhile to feel deeply into these feelings.
Omra would come home tired and wanted to go upstairs to relax. I was laying there healing with my broken leg up and couldn’t make myself food. At first I’d snap at her telling her all the things she was doing by just going upstairs and leaving me there. She’s just react to my tone and want to be by herself. I realized how I was going unconscious now by lashing out, making it about her, when it was really about me and my abandonment issue.
Once I spoke from my place of power, of my needs and feelings, I said simply, “I feeling hungry, I need some food.” She happily made me food. That was it. A sharp contrast from all the vibes and emotional exchanges the days prior. Simple, no drama, just love. By keeping that wound open when the feeling came up again, I could revert to express how I was feeling, rather than what she was doing.
Stalking our shadow isn’t easy work. It usually doesn’t happen overnight. Some days are just off and we need to give each other space… a LOT of it! In relationships, space IS the final frontier. For us there was an easy path and a hard path. I knew if I could just get her to open up and tell me what was wrong, to open the floodgates of all that pen-up emotion, all would be well.
Sure, I could force my energetic hand down her throat and pull it out, but that was messy and I got energetic barf nuggets that could have gone through the other end and been processed her end. In other words, if I had just left her alone to work it out herself then I would experience a much higher frequency of interaction with her.
Of course it was no easy picnic, with abandonment issues to let my crown jewel go runaway to the other side of the island for the day. I would take it personal. Another big lesson for me, not to take things so damn personal! Now, the more I let her go and do her thing, the more she comes back shining, beautiful and yes very juicy and loving. Taking physical and emotional space really allows each of us to work things out on our own- which is often the best way.
Equally important is to create space for ourselves. We are both big people, energetically and our fields take up a lot of space. We just don’t function properly unless we have that space to be in our own creative flow. We live in a two-story octagon with an open floor plan. So when my wife and daughter are all in the house, all the time, it’s hard to carve out a space for yourself. And there’s nothing like being with your own thoughts and feelings then when when no one is around. It took ten years of Omra asking but I was finally able to build her her own studio.
One of the reasons for the success of our relationship is that we both value peace over anything else. For that reason, many times we are willing to compromise if the other feels really strongly about something. This is especially important if it has to do with taking a direction which effect the whole.
Other times it is simply willing to agree to disagree. The important thing is to allow grace to flow through the relationship no matter what. To us, there is nothing more important. We love each other enough to simply let go of our idea that we think is more important than the others. After all, we’re not robots and don’t need to toe the party line with all of our beliefs. The important thing is that we connect on enough deep core levels that our greater belief system is congruent with each others and we continue on forward.
Let’s face it we’re dependent in some ways and rely on each other for different things. Recognizing my role in the relation that leans more towards being the provider and how to hold space for my family is just as important as her role that tends more towards getting the groceries, cleaning and providing dinner allows our needs to be met and fulfilled through each other.
Our roles overlap as well and it’s helpful to not be rigid in what we expect of each other. The unity and synergy of the relationship expresses itself naturally when both parties are moving together towards the common goal.
Many times we need to recognize it’s not our job to fix the other person. When it comes to clearing deep energetic patters from our childhood or even other lifetimes, it’s good to seek out a professional, outside of the relationship. Just as when one of us needs bodywork, we go outside the relationship to get the work we need. This isn’t always the case and we are there for each other if the need is immediate.
Omra does energy clearing with people, working with them to connect with their ancestors and clear the energetic patterns from our childhood or other lifetimes. However if she ever feels stuck with her own clearing she doesn’t hesitate to reach out and do work with someone else.
Appreciating Each Other
No one wants to be taken for granted. Expressing our appreciation shows the other how much we notice about all they give towards the relationship. Here’s where the chocolate and flowers come in. Regular loving touch and massages, even if it’s nothing fancy are extremely helpful both physically and emotionally. Anything that comes from your heart. Even a thank you can go a long way.
A great unifying energy comes from appreciating the other’s gifts and calling that aloud- as well as inwardly wishing the highest and best for each other. The relationship will blossom along side the dedication to each persons inner growth.
It can’t be stressed enough to not sweat the small stuff and recognize, as we will when we leave these bodies- it’s all small stuff. What’s big is the growth that comes from these lessons of not taking things so personal, owning our stuff, being aware of our wounds and becoming conscious in our communication. These are the fruits of doing the inner work required for functional relationship. Juiciness is the by-product.